i have no idea what has gotten into me...

i cant wait till december 7. but...that feeling...seems to be...fading...

even for zax...the feelings arent the same anymore.


i just dont seem to care about all these things anymore. i dunno why but...it's just that feeling. now...all i'm thinking is that...JOYCELYN TAN HURRY UP "cheng nian" then can experience night life. U_U dunno why...but i just seem to have this mentality now. all i can think of is...getting into zouk and whatsoever. it's gonna have to take time if i were to change my thinking. another 2 years. then i'll be 18. and in another 2 years...he's gonna be out. by then...will i still remember him? or will i turn to someone and ask...eh that fella looks familiar...who is that? or will i just keep thinking is that him? from the looks of this...i'm really being unrealisitc. but...it's gonna happen and one way or another. and lately...things are not going the way that i want it to go. things seem so messy in my mind and it kinda seems to be in a whirl. be it in a whirl or not...i'm still me. it's simply just creates the stir in my life. up,down,left,right,center. where ever i am...that typhoon in my head seems to follow me.


i lie to the people around me...and what's worst? i lie to myself. i really dunno which is the real me now. i smile every single day to hide the tears rolling down my face. and i tell people that i just yawned and that created the tears. why am i doing this again? simply just to hide the misery in my life. i'm miserable coz he's not around...(IF THAT WAS THE CASE...i would already be in tekong.) i'm miserable because people are scared of me the minute i get angry cos you really dunno what i can do. people are scared of me...why? i asked this question many times...no one can give me the exact answer. the answers are always...coz you look very fierce...and some other lame ones. people often mis-interpret my facial expression.


my MSN and Y!MSNGR mail alerts have been switched on ever since i recieved his message. now i've turned it off...cos i wun be so lucky again. i always comfort myself by saying this...i'm not her. i'm not his friend. i'm just a FAN.(FAN = fan*in hanyu pinyin* this means irritaing.)i've given up hope on whatever the slightest chances are. be it ren fu or weichoong. i've given up on both. my friends have gotten what they wanted from each of them. what more can they ask for? what i got liking one for 3YEARS? was just a happy birthday. what i got liking one for about 2 and a half months? THE EXACT SAME THING!!!!!!!!! so what is the bloody farking difference between the one that i liked for 3 YEARS and the one i liked for just 2months? SAME TREATMENT!...if you think i'm not trying my best...think again. i can do ANYTHING just to see them FACE2FACE....but now............i'm tired. very tired. i'm tired of doing things that i know won't do any good to me at all besides hurting myself more. everytime they appear...i always see this line of hope. but usually they are always dashed by a middle person. cc = tt ff = c. i'm tired. tired till i cant bring myself to do anymore of these stupid things. it would be simple to get rid of the middle person...but sad thing is...it's difficult to get rid of a middle person.


suddenly thinking why am i talking like this? my horrendous mood-swing caused it.



JOyce`- herlifeisaDISASTER. **YOU DONT WANNA BE HER!**